I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Randomize
