So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Randomize
