if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
