he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
