I'm sorry my penis didn't work
the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
