She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
