So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
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