dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
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