On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
