I can text with my tongue
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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