Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
