I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
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