i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
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