dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Houston, we have a squirter
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Randomize
