did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
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