He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
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