i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Randomize
