Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
He? As in you personified your dick?
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
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