FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
