Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
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