i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Michelle Duggar likes to fuuuuck
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
Randomize
