Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Randomize
