umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
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