Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Randomize
