According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
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