Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
