M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
babies were throwing up all over the place
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
