She went from zero to smokin in five shots
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
