If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
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