Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Randomize
