I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
