My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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