please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
