I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
