It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Your cock deserves a montage
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
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