I faked an abortion last night.
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
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