Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
