Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
