put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
I just gargled with NyQuil
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
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