so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I just sucked dick on a ferry
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
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