I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
