I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
