Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
Randomize
