her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
you didnt know i had herpes?
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
