there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
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