I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
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