Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Randomize
