remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Randomize
