Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
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