i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
