hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Randomize
