I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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