You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Can't talk, ducks in the car
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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