Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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