textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
