No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
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