youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
