He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Randomize
